I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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