you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
