I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
