look no pants
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
