I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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