K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
