Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
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