Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
