And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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