it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The uberlube is also flammable
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
