Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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