just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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