Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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