I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
