Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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