I think I died a long time ago.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
