I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
