Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
