Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
So squirting runs in the family.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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