No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
