I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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