I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
