Jerry, you need to find god
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
