Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize