Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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