I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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