I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
