My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
