I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
