so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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