It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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