I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
