I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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