Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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