I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
