u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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