all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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