I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
A+ Viking dick
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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