I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Randomize
