So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
