he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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