smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
