Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
