If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
