Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
