So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
