i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
