you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
