I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
