If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
