Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
