And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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