I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
