i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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