the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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