Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize