Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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