So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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