Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
