I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
