I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
