I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
