Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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