oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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