I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
